She whispered, so I had to lean in and then ask her to repeat: "Are you ready for Christmas???"
For one thing, it is December 3rd. That's 22 days before Christmas, and I think putting the ham in the oven NOW might be a tad premature. Also, I only celebrate Christmas because of the cultural expectation to see my family and give them stuff now and then. It's a convenient enough occasion to do so, though I must say the travel would be much easier in the summer.
Surely some bank customers are not Christians... so isn't the assumption that "ready for Christmas" is a state I wish to achieve a bit presumptuous? But I went along with it, as she recounted her gift list status, acting as if I could actually afford to buy gifts this year. But then, before I could get the hell out of there she had to ask, "Do you bake, too?"
Yes, I am a woman. Yes, I have on occasion baked things. But this holiday baking subculture is not a part of my life. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it is offensive when someone assumes that just because I'm a white woman in the US I have a baking agenda for December. Well, the bank teller certainly does. I was literally done and backing away as she recounted the six batches of cookies plus xmas morning bread repertoire.
I am really not ready for Christmas.
Besides the obvious financial burden for someone without a real income, I am now sucked in to a North Idaho family extravaganza. If I had work I could claim I could not afford to be in Idaho for a whole week, but as it stands my only possible excuses are sudden illness or a bad attitude.
My cousin (on my dad's side) is paying for a fancy condo on Lake Coeur d'Alene for her mom and sister and their men to stay while they are in St. Maries with her dad's family. There is a sofa bed and free transport for me, but aunt Rosie wants to leave on the 20th and spend one night at the trailer of one of her drinking buddies up in the woods (I'd be on the couch), and now it turns out my mom's family won't be celebrating Xmas until the 26th, when my cousin (on my mom's side) gets back from his wife's family in Montana. And the condo where we are staying is an hour or mor from anywhere on icy, windy roads... and I have to rely on relatives (drunk relatives) to drive me anywhere.
The irony is that neither I nor anyone on either side of my family really cares about celebrating Xmas. Except the cousin who is paying for the condo (she once dragged us to the world's largest Xmas market in Rothenberg, Germany... I had a hangover... we were there for hours).
On the bright side, the condo building has a heated indoor pool and a restaurant with a bar. And I have plenty of books to read.
The semester is coming to a close and I feel like I'm loosing it. I know... what happened to the tranquil crash I just experience over the past few days during Thanksgiving? I hate to admit this to myself, but I saw this coming. My heart was in the right place to work on projects and assignments during the break, but my body nor my brain would allow me. So I pushed myself all day Monday to complete what needed to be done by Tuesday...leaving me to complete what needs to be done by tomorrow.
Tomorrow. Last day of classes as well as the launch date for the magazine. I'm helter skelter right now. Trying to gain balance.. and failing. Either STILL too tired to be organized enough to accomplish things in a timely manner or I'm subconsciously procrastinating. I literally said the other day.. I'm tired of thinking intellectually. I need to just be dumb for a few days to give my brain a rest.
What's odd is I've NEVER been an emotional eater. Normally when I'm this stressed, or a bit lost about something my stomach is too tied in knots to eat. If I even try to eat it will barely stay down. I have to force myself to get it down or else.... a pukey mess. However, this time it's different. I feel myself eating just as I'm thinking of a game plan or strategy on how to attack the assignment at hand. Maybe it's in part because there are hearty Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge along with a rich deep dark chocolate layered cake I made. I do feel "it's that time" as well since I've been eating up the chocolate in the house. Nevertheless, I'm paying for all the chocolate intake via the acne appearing on my face now - yeah I breakout when I over indulge with the chocolate.
Besides the final exams coming up in another week, the final papers I have due soon and even the launch of the magazine, I have another added stress. For the past fews weeks I've in talks with a popular local paper for an internship position. Things seemed to be rolling along ok, but I'm left anxious as I await their final decision. I first spoke with the publisher who seemed to be impressed with my cover letter and resume. Though she thought I would be a good fit for the position, she turned me over to the assistant managing editor. I met with the editor a few weeks later and at the time I thought we got off to a good start. Yet, part of my nervousness now is as I reflect I wonder if I was too comfortable during the quasi-formal (informal?) interview and a bit too familiar. *big sigh*
Still I walked away from the interview with a mission to do. The editor wanted me to audition (sorta speak) by having me come up with a topic to write about for one of their blogs and write up the story/blog. I did the story, plus took pictures. I submitted everything on Thanksgiving Eve. Last night I sent a follow up email to inquire about the status of my submission and their final decision. I received a response thanking me for my submission and that they were still interviewing other candidates.
So I wait.
Bite my nails, take a hit of the chocolate cake, stumble over words in my academic papers, bite my nails some more, take shot of cornbread and sausage stuffing, bit my nails, sleep, wake up to work on papers, say a prayer or two.. then a few.
It's mine.
In an effort to consolidate all things bloggy and potty (euw)...I'm moving most of my blogging activity, posting of items and all general stuff to:
But that doesn't mean I'm abandoning this space. At least...not entirely. I'll try to crosslink updates and of course, I need to keep this account active to keep an eye on you hooligans.
Originally written November 17, 2009 for Creative Writing with T. Medina.
Obsession and Reverence*
By: Mahoganie Jade Browne
he was taught to pray three times a day.
Sunrise. Afternoon. Dusk.
Sometimes East. Sometimes West.
No true religion.
Just fun and games.
Until…
he stubbed his toe.
Lost everything to friend and foe.
Bare.
Cursing.
he walked away, feeling forsaken
Thinking.
he did his share of proper worship.
Asking.
What had he done to trigger what he had wrought?
No reflections in the dark.
No echo.
No sound of his own breathing.
The open space rang loud and clear.
Empty.
Like his prayers.
Suddenly playing church wasn’t an option anymore.
*Title taken from Lloyd McNeill’s painting “Obsession and Reverence” (1963) currently on display at Howard University’s School of Fine Arts Art Gallery.
It's a struggle to get these thoughts out. I convinced myself I needed to write to get me going again. Since Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, I've been feeling as if I've been in a daze. As if my body and mind has reached it's highest level of excitement and activity that it can't do anymore...at least not at this time. Still I have four more papers to complete before the close the of the semester, plus some editing and writing duties for the publication that is officially launching.. err ummm this week!!! (EEK!)
I didn't realize how busy and how truly drained I have been since August. From writing two to three papers just about every week, to writing creatively for Medina's class and even throwing in some journalism duties PLUS coming home to take care of whatever issues there, I should be half out my mind. Still I'm in tact. A long time ago this would have drowned me. I would have given in to defeat and sat on the sidelines, again prolonging my "college career." But a force stronger than me has kept me afloat. I've just lived up to my end as far as the work goes.
This year I didn't formulate any real thoughts on Thanksgiving. I was just thankful for the second year in a row that the "Ides of November" wasn't looming - death, depression, sickness, over blown drama - and I was able to spend Thanksgiving with the ones I love. The day after met me with an incredible body crash. I managed to get up early with the Snickerdoodle and give her breakfast and watch her favorite shows with her. However, for the most part I stayed on the couch with one eye on the Snickerdoodle as she played and another trying to talk me into a full fledge sleep. Stayed away from my computer and for the most part my Blackberry; though I did send and received a couple of text messages. I did get a couple of cat naps in, but once the Snickerdoodle was in bed for the night, I wasn't far behind.
I slept a deep, dreamless sleep. The best.
Saturday met me with such energy. I knew I still had work to complete, but the computer just didn't appeal to me. I didn't fret over it at all. I spent the day helping my father dig out Christmas decorations and few other items from the storage shed. I did find a few goodies that once belonged to me as a kid that I'm now giving to the Snickerdoodle.
So this red chair was wrapped up and towards the back of the storage shed. Apparently my grandfather gave this to me when I was about 2 or 3 years old. Of course I looked it and said the Snickerdoodle had to have this. She saw it and couldn't wait to sit in it.
Then there was my "Dressy Bessy" doll; the doll that helps you understand how to zip, button, snap and tie. I think this was my favorite find for the Snickerdoodle. After I gave Bessy a good spin around the washing machine, to brighten her up, the Snickerdoodle hasn't been able to put her down. She loves this, which is a bit of shock to me. Usually the Snickerdoodle doesn't play with dolls at her. She's more for toys with actions and that makes noise. Then again, with Bessy there is action as you zip, snap, tie and button.
By the end of the day I was tired. My whole body ached. Energy was gone. I took a bubble bath and headed straight for the bed. I was nearing my deep sleep when the Snickerdoodle awoke in the middle of the night. For whatever reason she wasn't trying to go back to sleep. She wasn't ill, but I knew she too was tired having a long day playing outside. Still she fought sleep and made space in my bed for her, her blankie, and Bessy. I made several attempts for her to go back to sleep, but none was working.
Soooooo.
We had an impromptu slumber party as we watched a couple of movies on OnDemand Shrek and Sesame Street's Follow That Bird (a classic from my generation when I was like... 5) The Snickerdoodle stayed up and watched both movies and still fought to go back to sleep. Nevertheless by 4:30 am she was too tired to fight and my body felt like it wanted to slap the crap out of me for not sleeping. Once I knew for sure the Snickerdoodle was sleep (in her own bed), I collapsed back into my bed, falling into a deep repose until the house phone rang around 8 am. Then my cell phone rang no later than that.
I hit ignore for both calls and went back to sleep.
My body and mind had grown just that tired. Even now.. as it's only inching towards 3:30 in the afternoon, my bed seems to be calling. Just one more day of sleep and I'll be ready to finish out the last week of classes and the next week of a final exam, plus the last two papers that are due.
